Armistice Declared — War on Christmas Over!

Yes my fellow Americans, the War on Christmas is over, and we won. You can take that list of obligatory present type items and set it in the fireplace, then use it for tinder while you enjoy a quiet evening with family or friends or your cat or computer because…

You don’t have to go shopping!

If you like colored lights on the dark days you can string them on your bushes for everyone to enjoy, and in your house to look pretty and you can…

Leave them up until spring!

When the malls are a mob scene and everyone is out in the cold and the slush frantically shopping you can…

Go out and hear some live music!

And best of all, you can pick and choose. You can get a tree, or just a few tasteful evergreen branches, or put a bow on the cat. No one else owns your Christmas.

Just do the stuff that is fun!

Really. The Pope called me up last night and he says it’s okay. Bill O’ Reilly is putting all his Christmas money into the Heifer Project. The good Christians are putting up manger scenes on their own lawns! Imagine that! The churches have stopped bugging City Hall, and they’re opening their doors and inviting the whole lonely world to come celebrate with them. The War on Christmas is over! Jesus is very relieved.

Peace on Earth, Good Will to All.

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2 responses

  1. Will you marry me, Nancy Green? Oh, crap, I forgot, that shit’s illegal in this country. Will you come and shack up with me and my partner, Nancy Green? Oh, crap, that confirms those suspicions about same-sex relationships leading to polyamory. Will you just come out and help us heathens secularize December 25th by shouting “Happy bwah-ha-ha-holidays!” to the world?

  2. my first fan mail! i am so excited! thank you for the encouragement, i will keep on writing, and wish you and your partner a blessed solstice.

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