Prove Your Patriotism–Buy a Hummer!

A couple of years ago I read in a nursing magazine that a Hummer dealer had donated a Hummer kiddy car to a children’s hospital, so the kids could ride into surgery in style. I was a bit sarcastic, I’ll admit. I’ve never seen a hospital unit that had unused space to store large objects, or unused staff waiting around to charge up the battery and polish the fenders on the generous donation. I tried to fend off charges of moralism by declaring that I’m fine with candy cigarettes and near-beer and toy guns if it cheered up a sick child. Really. It’s just that this gift was suspicious of product placement and might be more trouble than it was worth.

Boy, did I get flamed.

So let me say now, that I’m saving up for a gift to Hasbro Children’s Hospital that they’ll really love. I’m buying them a pony. It’s a miniature, won’t take much space, and just needs hay and water a few times a day. A little extra work, but a small price to pay for a smile on a child’s face.

I’ve mellowed out. And I’m feeling bad about the possible loss of a national symbol. The symbol of the great American spirit that wears a yellow ribbon magnet on its bumper for the volunteer troops we send to fight far away. Yes, the Hummer. Don’t confuse this with the thin-skinned Humvees that failed to protect so many of our soldiers from IED’s. The Hummer never failed to make a statement in the Homeland when cruising to the mall or commuting to work.

Now the Hummer needs our help.

The hulking Hummer SUV brand looks to be headed for extinction.
General Motors Co. said Wednesday that it was unable to complete a deal to sell its Hummer line to Sichuan Tengzhong Heavy Industrial Machinery Co., a Chinese industrial company.

Arnold, you have more money than God. Buy a few more Hummers today. Dick, how are you going to carry all the birds and other creatures you shoot without a Hummer? Come on, Teapartiers, here’s your chance. A car that says, ‘Bush Administration’ every time you drive it. And it gets 15 miles to the gallon. And it’s real expensive. What better way to defend our way of life? Anyway, the Rapture is coming, so put it on credit. Where’s your faith?

I thought they would all come out when the foreign Chinese who are not American were trying to buy the Hummer brand. Nothing but silence. Will we see a great rally for Hummer now? It’s a big car. Rush Limbaugh and Pat Buchanan can fit in the front seat. It can run right over a Prius. Will it now end up in the elephant graveyard?

Then there will be nothing left but used Hummers, losing value, finally to be passed along to the 16-year-old boy next door. Drive defensively.

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3 responses

  1. Actually you need to do a bit more research. I suspect you are confusing military and civilian models/designs. The current civilian versions betond the H-1 are actually smaller than the large Toyotas and Honda 1/2 ton trucks or SUV designs with smaller 5 cylinder engines.

    The military Hummer that has been manufactured by the tens of thousands and serves all over the world is a different vehicle and roughly corresponds to the fisrst civilian version. In reality, it is an excellent utility design meant to replace more ancient designs. The old Jeep of so many wars was also pressed into combat roles beyond its utility design and made the transfer to civilian life and is still amazingly popular after more than 60 years. There were military versions of the VW long used in great numbers by Nazi Germany, intended for utility purposes but then adapted to combat roles, and not well adapted. Adaptations of the Hummer include ambulance versions, pick-up transport versions and just about any need for utility was met. As that design, it is well and prospering and is perhaps the best vehicle of its kind anywhere in the world and has been widely copied in concept and use. The participation in combat encounters fell to the Hummer simply because Congress refused to buy combat designs of other vehicles leaving not much between it an M1A1 Abrams except another failed design, again the result of political meddling. That issue has finally been resolved with the appropriate hardened wheeled vehicle now in operation. But the military Hummers as transport vehicles will certainly continue for decades.

    Fair is fair, and reality is frequently more complex than we realize. It would be a good thing if the civilian Hummer remained. It is a really good SUV-ish vehicle. I do like the original H-1 big as it is but remarkable as well. It can climb walls, hall dumpsters from shopping centers, carry Rush around as well as the bloated federal deficit and does not accelerate wildly like a Toyota.

  2. I’d love to see the Hummers blocking traffic in the middle of the city drive off to the frontier where all the features would actually make sense. But I guess I should be grateful that the cement mixer didn’t become the status symbol, or some guys would have had to run out and buy one.

  3. Dang! I really want a cement mixer to drive around and attract pretty ladies. If you see one for sale, let me know.

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