Funny post about baby names!
Originally posted on The Wordslinger:
As the wife and I (but mainly the wife) reach halftime of pregnancy #3, I thought an update might be in order. 20 weeks down, 20 more to go. Based on results from the first two matchups, I don’t expect this to go to overtime. There’s no doubt that Mommy showed up ready to play, but as the half wore on, she seemed to tire and even had to fight off a few bouts of nausea. The plan is to hydrate feverishly here at halftime and throughout the second half in an attempt to negate the effects of the impending summer heat. It’ll be a grueling final 20 weeks, requiring stamina and endurance that I (a two-time marathoner) simply do not have. But my wife is strong. She’s been here before. So buckle up for an exciting second half!
(This extremely long basketball metaphor, which ran its course at least 45 words ago, was brought to you by “March Madness”, one of this sports fan’s favorite times of the year.)
I’m thinking about how my tax dollars are going to buy proton pump inhibitors for people who not only don’t have ulcers, don’t have raging gastric reflux– but people who tell me their stomachs are just fine!
I’m outraged. My religion, which I re-name weekly, forbids over-prescription of drugs of dubious benefit to people who don’t actually have a disease. My philosophy is called ‘evidence based’. It’s a minority religion, I’ll admit, but reality does have a way of sticking around whether it fits our narrative or not.
I demand that insurance companies stop funding proton-pump inhibitors for people who would do just fine with an occasional Tums. I demand that the secular authorities bow down to my authority as High Priestess (self-ordained) and re-arrange everyone’s insurance immediately.
Don’t whine to me that your stomach hurts. I have conscience, and I’m exercising it on you.
This video will be part of my 3-hour seminar on March 19 entitled, “Know Thyself: Using Archetypes to Understand and Heal Children.” Be there if you want to know how Strong Bad, Strong Sad, and Homestarrunner can help us know our archetypes!
I’m trying to relax at home, my husband is watching TV but mutes most of the commercials because they get on my nerves. I hear subliminal messages in them and fear being turned into the Manchurian Shopper.
But now I have a new fear (bummer after a stressful enough day at work). There is a cheap, easily concealed device that can turn a simple credit card into a deadly weapon.
It’s called, Edge of Glory.
They call it a ‘knife sharpener’, but after you see the AmEx card cleaving a tomato like a samurai sword– will you ever feel secure again? Wallets full of razor-honed plastic, invisible to metal detectors. What could a terrorist do with this?
How will we feel safe in airport lines, knowing that the hair conditioner and nail file is confiscated– while the deadly weaponized driver’s license passes through undetected by the minimum-wage guys and gals we call, ‘security’?
The only safe course of action now is to print our picture ID on paper towels.
From Ellid via Daily Kos comes a tale of a Christmas service gone horribly wrong…
Mum and I exchanged glances, and our friend June raised her eyebrows. June’s mother hissed, “This isn’t Lutheran!” and glared at the book fiercely enough that it’s a miracle it didn’t spontaneously combust in her hands. All around us people were wrinkling their brows and hesitantly singing along instead of making a joyful noise unto the Lord. It was not an auspicious beginning, and as we sat down Mum was muttering to June that this wasn’t close to the original German, which she’d studied in college.
There was more to come.
The Christmas Eve homily, which should have been based on the familiar story from Luke about the Holy Family in Bethlehem, was a rousing fire-and-brimstone call to repent and give one’s self to Christ to avoid the fires of hell and the horrors of the Last Judgment. Children who’d had visions of sugarplums dancing in their heads when they arrived at the church were shrieking in terror, while their parents stared in shock at their alleged shepherd preaching about the Apocalypse instead of Advent.
Mrs. Heley looked like she’d swallowed a lemon, whole.
The rest is hilarious. And that’s not all! If you link to Ellid now, you’ll get a bonus book review of that classic of American literature, ‘The Da Vinci Code’!
If this isn’t enough proof of Dan Brown’s mastery of English letters, consider the
billions and billionsmany, many, many chapters, some only a few paragraphs, that make this book so easy to read while standing in line to have one’s junk touched by bored TSA workersin airports. And names like “Leigh Teabing” which sound like a rejected brand of Twining’s oolongs are so much more realistic than “Frodo” or “Tess.” And what’s not to love about a book where the female lead turns out to be not only the granddaughter of the murdered curator but a direct lineal descendant of the Merovingians AND Jesus H. Christand his charming young wife Mary M. Christ?
Read the rest here. And let nothing you dismay.
Happy Day of the Dead! I mean, not “Happy” but, oh, I don’t know what I mean. These multicultural holidays are so much more complicated than our American ones…which is why I can’t help but feel for poor Emily, who is trying so hard to be a globally aware preschool teacher in this New Yorker Shouts and Murmurs piece entitled “Dear Mountain Room Parents”:
The Mountain Room is gearing up for its Day of the Dead celebration on Friday. Please send in photos of loved ones for our altar. All parents are welcome to come by on Wednesday afternoon to help us make candles and decorate skulls.
Follow her link, but not at work if you don’t want to be caught laughing out loud.
Like unwanted facial hair that keeps on sprouting, Orly Taitz is back in the news with her birther conspiracy theories– now embellished to fit changing circumstances.
I’d like to know why the press is side-stepping the question we all want to ask. Does she, or doesn’t she?
Can Orly Taitz prove she is a natural-born blonde? Although her defenders will try to debunk each separate finding, the preponderance of evidence suggests that she is trying to conceal her natural color. Why? We can only assume the worst.
The following sources have asked to remain anonymous because they are afraid of Chuck Norris, so with respect for their personal safety I will protect their identities while publishing their allegations–
An immigrant from Moldova said she saw a lock of Orly’s baby hair that her mother saved in a box and it was light brown. Science tells us that babies’ hair gets darker as they grow up. It would be highly unlikely that Orly’s hair changed from brown to blonde.
An expert beautician who watched the interview on MSNBC was quoted, “It’s definitely a dye job. I think she’s got extensions too.”
A former patient claims that while immobilized in the dentist chair she had nothing else to look at except Dr. Taitz’s face, which was inches away, “Her roots were starting to show at the temples, her hair is dark, with some grey, and she fluffs it out with a ton of hair spray.”
A source who refused to be quoted directly claims he recently sold her a blonde wig.
While it’s true that many women (and more men than admit it) color their hair, Dr. Tait’s political activism leads to more ominous interpretations. I don’t yet have any, but as soon as I make some up I’ll post them.
This is for real — I just saw on Salon.com that Orly Taitz’s site contains malware. I went to her site while researching this post and shortly after a pop-up window tried to install an antivirus without my invitation. I hit control-alt-delete, hope that stopped it.
UPDATE- Bill from Portland, Maine has a quote from President Obama–
“I was actually born on the planet Krypton and sent by my father, Jor-El, to save Earth.”
This contradicts the evidence that Barack Obama was born in Kenya, unless the relativistic effects of faster-than-light travel make it possible for him to arrive in Kenya before he was born on Krypton. It’s a complicated issue, but fortunately Orly Taitz is an attorney and she can explain how this pertains to Constitutional law. She is a woman of many talents and really big hair.