AIRPORT INSECURITY
by David L. Jaffe
I am not afraid to fly. I am willing to bravely take to the skies. Government
officials and airline representatives have personally reassured me (or,
at least, informed me through press releases) that air travel is safer
than it has ever been. I can't imagine they would mislead me about this
matter. I mean, these are professional people. These are not Enron executives
or French skating judges. So I can now board a plane with confidence
and leave my fears and nail clippers behind. I have no reason to worry
that the bearded hiker dude crammed into Seat 12A will ignite his Merrell
boots or that the sweet-smiling grandmother in Seat 20C will tweeze
me into oblivion or that the stout gentleman ensconced in Business Class
will become enraged over the paucity of peanuts in his packet and storm
into the cockpit or even that the bespectacled coffee drinker in Seat
25D will sneak into the restroom a quarter hour before landing and then,
at a critical moment, hurl feces at the flight crew. There is nothing
to worry about. There is no reason to be insecure. Things are quite
secure. Extremely secure. Ridiculously secure.
I am not afraid to fly. I am, however, a bit apprehensive about Airport
Security. I know that things have changed and that some things were
in need of change, but it unsettles me to think that I will face greater
scrutiny if I take to the friendly skies than if I cook the books for
Enron. Call me un-American, but I find something seriously wrong with
that. As I do with the fact that I have to fight with my HMO to get
them to authorize a procedure recommended by my physician but I can
go to any airport, cast a furtive look, and get a free rectal exam.
It just doesn't seem right. Not that I'm opposed to a more efficient
and affordable health care system. I'm just not sure that I want some
brawny guy named Earl performing a colonoscopy on me with a bendy straw
and a Maglite.
I fear that we have lost perspective, that we are overreacting and
responding to possibilities instead of probabilities. If some yahoo
with a major gripe and a minor grip on reality were to fashion a set
of nun-chuks out of his belt and penny loafers and then make like Bruce
Lee on a flight to Milwaukee, would we consequently be compelled to
board all future flights looking like rapper wannabes, in our stocking
feet with the crotch of our pants down to our knees? (And, speaking
of the martial arts, would we also be compelled to verify to the satisfaction
of the High Priestess of Ticketing that we knew where our luggage was
at all times and that our hands were not lethal weapons?) Or if some
zealot from a faction of a splinter group of the Luxembourg Liberation
Front were to ingest an explosive substance that would later be activated
by a special enzyme that a co-conspirator working for the airline's
food service had secretly mixed into the Salisbury Steak gravy, thus
creating a huge blast or at least a rather malodorous case of indigestion,
would the administration of purgatives become de rigueur while
pre-boarding? Frankly, I believe that we are barfing up the wrong tree
here.
So what's the answer? I suppose that the FAA could mandate that passengers
check their clothing with their luggage and make every flight ALL NUDE,
ALL THE TIME! But then, while the friendly skies might be a whole lot
friendlier and the concept of cruising altitude would be redefined,
men on the make would inevitably be inclined to put more than their
seat in the upright position and to ask their female seatmates whether
they might like to touch down on their airstrip or sample their honey-roasted
peanuts. Now, obviously, the feds would never have the cojones
to implement such draconian yet bacchanalian measures. But that's only
because the cockpit would be less secure from invasion. And it would
invite such tasteless humor.
Perhaps the answer lies in a redefinition of security. I do not believe
that we can achieve security by confiscating nail files and fountain
pens and treating airline passengers like criminal suspects. Nor can
we achieve security by turning the Bill of Rights into a Bill of Mights,
watering it down like a miserly barkeep. On the other hand, we may achieve
security by reexamining our foreign and domestic policies and shifting
our priorities. For example, instead of providing financial support
to nations that oppress their people and engage in human rights abuses
that make Idi Amin look like Edie Gorme, let's provide universal health
care and jobs that pay a living wage. Instead of creating tax breaks
and loopholes and other forms of corporate welfare that allow executives
of companies like Enron to treat their workers and investors like a
randy tomcat treats the neighborhood strays, let's create greater social
and economic justice, a cleaner environment, and a more community-oriented
and family-friendly society. But perhaps that all sounds too idealistic,
too radical, too difficult. Perhaps things are fine the way they are
and I'm overreacting.
Perhaps I could borrow your tweezers to fish out this bendy straw.
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When he isn't railing against injustice or writing humorous yet incisive
pieces of social commentary, David L. Jaffe is employed as a
clinical social worker for a community mental health clinic in Western
Massachusetts. His most recent literary accomplishments include penning
several small plays for use with middle school students. David's ambition
is to travel to the Arctic Circle and write the story of his life, thereby
conducting a self-study on the development of Bio-Polar Disorder.
Copyright © 2002 David Jaffe. All rights reserved.