Prove Your Patriotism–Buy a Hummer!

A couple of years ago I read in a nursing magazine that a Hummer dealer had donated a Hummer kiddy car to a children’s hospital, so the kids could ride into surgery in style. I was a bit sarcastic, I’ll admit. I’ve never seen a hospital unit that had unused space to store large objects, or unused staff waiting around to charge up the battery and polish the fenders on the generous donation. I tried to fend off charges of moralism by declaring that I’m fine with candy cigarettes and near-beer and toy guns if it cheered up a sick child. Really. It’s just that this gift was suspicious of product placement and might be more trouble than it was worth.

Boy, did I get flamed.

So let me say now, that I’m saving up for a gift to Hasbro Children’s Hospital that they’ll really love. I’m buying them a pony. It’s a miniature, won’t take much space, and just needs hay and water a few times a day. A little extra work, but a small price to pay for a smile on a child’s face.

I’ve mellowed out. And I’m feeling bad about the possible loss of a national symbol. The symbol of the great American spirit that wears a yellow ribbon magnet on its bumper for the volunteer troops we send to fight far away. Yes, the Hummer. Don’t confuse this with the thin-skinned Humvees that failed to protect so many of our soldiers from IED’s. The Hummer never failed to make a statement in the Homeland when cruising to the mall or commuting to work.

Now the Hummer needs our help.

The hulking Hummer SUV brand looks to be headed for extinction.
General Motors Co. said Wednesday that it was unable to complete a deal to sell its Hummer line to Sichuan Tengzhong Heavy Industrial Machinery Co., a Chinese industrial company.

Arnold, you have more money than God. Buy a few more Hummers today. Dick, how are you going to carry all the birds and other creatures you shoot without a Hummer? Come on, Teapartiers, here’s your chance. A car that says, ‘Bush Administration’ every time you drive it. And it gets 15 miles to the gallon. And it’s real expensive. What better way to defend our way of life? Anyway, the Rapture is coming, so put it on credit. Where’s your faith?

I thought they would all come out when the foreign Chinese who are not American were trying to buy the Hummer brand. Nothing but silence. Will we see a great rally for Hummer now? It’s a big car. Rush Limbaugh and Pat Buchanan can fit in the front seat. It can run right over a Prius. Will it now end up in the elephant graveyard?

Then there will be nothing left but used Hummers, losing value, finally to be passed along to the 16-year-old boy next door. Drive defensively.