Cat–The True Threat to Marriage

He Threw Up in Your Closet

by J. Spot Fido and Sparky Goodboy, PhD, LLC, ADHD

The time has come to stand up to the ‘politically correct’ apologists for the feline agenda with some wet-nosed hard-nosed facts based on research studies conducted at Canus University in Paw Paw, Illinois.

These studies prove that cat is the greatest threat to the family today.

First of all, cat is a threat to children, increasing the risk of asthma, allergy and cat scratch fever. Cats are 75% more likely than dogs to sneak into children’s beds and hide in the blankets. Dogs try, but they get caught, because they are less sneaky than cats. Cats are known flea carriers. When you see a dog scratching, that is the natural grooming behavior of a fastidious animal. When a cat scratches itself it means that cat is infested. While it is true that dogs occasionally lick themselves, they do it for good reasons, once in a while. Cats do it constantly. They should get a life.

Cats lure children by stalking and chasing paper, dustballs and moths. Children think this is cute. The cats are just faking it. Except for the really stupid ones.

Cats are a threat to marriage. Whereas most men have a natural bond with dogs, women are susceptible to evolved feline behavior. Cats cry like babies, snuggle and ‘purr’– a sound that would repel most women if they realized it was the sound of spit vibrating through bronchial tubes.

Cats sneak into the bed and expand during the night, physically pushing couples apart. They cause arguments. A man might toss the cat out the window, knowing that they always land on their feet, and for some reason his wife will take offense.

Cats are known to prevent marriage. A single woman is 30% less likely to marry in any given year for every additional cat she acquires over 3, not including temporary litters of kittens. Women who have more than 10 cats, paradoxically, have more relationships with men, but only men who wear Fedoras and argue with people on the internet.

Cats are a threat to the home in the most literal sense. You can always tell when there’s a cat in the house–even if it’s hiding under the couch, the couch is all scratched up. Cats never invite their owners to join them for a healthy walk in the fresh air. Heck no, if you took them for a walk you’d call them and they wouldn’t come back– until they felt like it. Instead cats poop in a box. How disgusting. Additionally, cats are fussy eaters and consider vomiting to be socially acceptable. What can you expect from a creature that licks itself instead of shaking all over to get rid of loose fur? And they claim they’re intelligent? Grrrr……………………………………………………………………………

Spot! I hear footsteps! They’re home– turn off the computer. Look natural. Let Fluffy out of the closet………….baad cat!