Laugh Out Loud

From Ellid via Daily Kos
comes a tale of a Christmas service gone horribly wrong…

Mum and I exchanged glances, and our friend June raised her eyebrows. June’s mother hissed, “This isn’t Lutheran!” and glared at the book fiercely enough that it’s a miracle it didn’t spontaneously combust in her hands. All around us people were wrinkling their brows and hesitantly singing along instead of making a joyful noise unto the Lord. It was not an auspicious beginning, and as we sat down Mum was muttering to June that this wasn’t close to the original German, which she’d studied in college.

There was more to come.

The Christmas Eve homily, which should have been based on the familiar story from Luke about the Holy Family in Bethlehem, was a rousing fire-and-brimstone call to repent and give one’s self to Christ to avoid the fires of hell and the horrors of the Last Judgment. Children who’d had visions of sugarplums dancing in their heads when they arrived at the church were shrieking in terror, while their parents stared in shock at their alleged shepherd preaching about the Apocalypse instead of Advent.

Mrs. Heley looked like she’d swallowed a lemon, whole.

The rest is hilarious. And that’s not all! If you link to Ellid now, you’ll get a bonus book review of that classic of American literature, ‘The Da Vinci Code’!

If this isn’t enough proof of Dan Brown’s mastery of English letters, consider the billions and billions many, many, many chapters, some only a few paragraphs, that make this book so easy to read while standing in line to have one’s junk touched by bored TSA workers in airports. And names like “Leigh Teabing” which sound like a rejected brand of Twining’s oolongs are so much more realistic than “Frodo” or “Tess.” And what’s not to love about a book where the female lead turns out to be not only the granddaughter of the murdered curator but a direct lineal descendant of the Merovingians AND Jesus H. Christ and his charming young wife Mary M. Christ?

Read the rest here. And let nothing you dismay.

Mark Zuckerberg Makes Ayn Rand Cry

Not her, personally, of course. But her true believers are scandalized that the founder of Facebook has pledged to use most of his fortune for philanthropy.

There’s no law against giving money away, but it sets a bad example. And it deprives stockbrokers and luxury purveyors of what they rightfully expect. More than that– it’s so hurtful. At least according to the Ayn Rand Center’s Don Watkins, in a press release…

Invoking a column he co-authored for Forbes, Watkins declared that the pledge “treats your wealth, not as a justly earned reward, but as a gift from society–one that came with plenty of strings attached. The message is: Fulfill the obligation that came with your riches, give your wealth away–or hide your face in shame.”

The pledge, he claimed, was crafted as emotional blackmail for rich people and is the reason why businessmen “feel unearned guilt for their success.”

You know, for a second there I thought this might be satire, but apparently Don Watkins is quite sincere.

Another ‘stranger than fiction’ holiday story is Sen. John Kyl saying that asking Congress to meet after Christmas is disrespectful of Christianity.

Mr. Kyl said that Mr. Reid’s effort to do too much was inconsiderate of the Senate as an institution and also of senators, staff and their families hoping to celebrate Christmas. […]
Mr. Kyl added, ” It is impossible to do all of the things that the majority leader laid out without doing — frankly, without disrespecting the institution and without disrespecting one of the two holiest of holidays for Christians and the families of all of the Senate, not just the senators themselves but all of the staff.”

I don’t know where it says in the Bible that debating a disarmament treaty is dishonoring the Prince of Peace. I also missed the part that says everyone is entitled to a 1-week paid vacation after Christmas. It’s going to be tough when we shut down the hospitals, police, and fire depts., not to mention the restaurants and bars. Can we hire some Jews to fill in as temps? If we promise to have the Christians cover for them on Yom Kippur? And how about atheists? This is your chance, atheists, to prove you’re good for something.

Anyway, Christmas comes on Saturday this year, and that leaves Sunday for churchgoing before facing the profane world.

I’m so glad I don’t do Christmas any more. It used to be fun, but now you’re supposed to bite the head off any teenage store clerk who dares to wish you a happy holiday. You’re supposed to tell the Salvation Army bell ringer to get a job, and call in sick for ten days after Christmas– let the impious cover for you.

I’m celebrating Yule. I light candles. It’s relaxing. I’m trying to stay jolly until January, when the days begin to lengthen and there’s hope of another Spring.

IN RELATED NEWS: Like our fellow Kmareka writer, ‘Prodigal’ David Jaffe, a man using the alias, S. Klaus is running around Kansas City giving hundred-dollar bills away to people who are down on their luck. That makes me jolly.