Can This Marriage be Saved?

Dr. Laura Gallagher, from the distinguished Think Tank and Anti-Advocacy group, GLUM(MUN) (Gays and Lesbians Undermine Marriage and Make Us Nervous) takes questions from real readers who bare their hearts and air their dirty laundry so we can be entertained and enlightened. And get blog hits.

Thank you, Dr. Gallagher, for guest blogging here. Readers ask us…

Q. Dear Dr. Gallagher, 

My husband and I have been happily married for 55 years, and we weren’t no spring chickens when we tied the knot, if you get what I mean. We agreed early on to let bygones be bygones, and did not worry about what happened before that special night in Vegas that ended in the Chapel. We have enjoyed many decades together in loving harmony.

For the past year, Frank has not seemed himself. He gets up and puts on his pants, and then puts on another pair of pants over the pants. I don’t dare to say anything because he’s gotten very touchy. He makes sandwiches and puts them under the bed, and gets furious if I sweep them up.

I was taught to cater to my man, and at my age I’m too tired to care anyway, but there’s another problem. He thinks I’m cheating on him. I have not been near another man since President Eisenhower was running the country, but he’s insanely jealous. Why could he not have been this hot, like, around the 1970′s? What am I doing wrong?

Signed: Edna

A. Dear Edna,

It’s the Gay’s fault. Your husband has been corrupted by the Gay Agenda via the Mainstream Media, and he thinks that he can lure men into his bedroom by putting sandwiches under his bed. We see this many times in our clinical practice. His suspicion that you are cheating is projection. He is secretly attracted to a man.

Are there any gays in your neighborhood? Town? State? Well, there you are.

Send a check today to GLUM. We care about your marriage, and we know best.

Dear Dr. Gallagher,

My wife and I believe in traditional family values. She would stay home with the children, and I would support us working for General Motors. We were so happy until the Hummer IV (Bigger than a Breadbox) project went to Sichuan Tengzhong Heavy Industrial Machinery Company, somewhere out of state. They got the goldmine, and our town got the shaft.
Tiffany and I were willing to do whatever we had to do to support our family. We finally ended up applying to WalMart. She got hired as a greeter, they said I was overqualified.

Tiffany is a spunky girl, and she would do anything for me and our kids.  The problem is, I am taking care of the kids. This is way harder than I ever imagined. Tiffany has changed. She seems to like being out of the house and says she is fine with the way things are for a while. I want out.

Signed: Trapped and Unfulfilled

Dear Trapped,

It’s the Gay’s fault. In the past, Tiffany would have strapped on her best bonnet and gone to petition the factory owner, trembling but resolute. He would have smiled sardonically, cupped her chin in his hand and casually granted you employment, as a coal hauler, or whatever. (B.Cartland, 1967)
Your family would get no benefits. Whether the factory owner would get lucky is a whole novel.(Harlequin)

So would you rather have a couple of the kids die of consumption (do you have enough spares?) and live a life of high drama, or wipe up Cheerios while taking courses online for a cubicle job with benefits?

There was a Golden Age. Really. Before there were Gays. If it were not for them, your life would be Gothic.

Send a check today to GLUM. We care about your marriage, and we know best.

Dear Dr. Gallagher,

I heard GLUM experts testify that the real meaning and purpose of marriage is procreation. I have a confession to make. I found myself single again through widowhood, and fell in love with Ted. We married, though we are of mature years.

What is the meaning of marriage, when procreation ain’t gonna happen?
Signed, Still Ticking

Dear Still Ticking,

Like I don’t recognize that as a throwaway phrase from a David Bowie song that I listened to for research purposes? You are a troll, asking me trick questions. I could tell by your lapsing into slang, because you just can’t help it.

Well, forget about it, Jane Doe, if that is your real name. Studies show that your odds of finding a man when you are in the geezer demographic is way on the edge of unlikely. That makes you a deviant.

That means you are the type that would notice two gay guys moving in next door and shrug, instead of getting out torches and pitchforks.

As far as your question, there are so few of you deviants that you don’t comprise a base worth playing up to. But I could be wrong. Maybe I should tolerate you and hold out the promise that if you’re really good and humble, we might acknowledge your existence.

Send a check today to GLUM. We care about your marriage, and we know best.

Thanks to Dr. Laura Gallagher and GLUM for letting us use their column, and send your lovelorn problems to Kmareka at this address. We Care.

 

Special Privileges

You can count on Kmareka for free speech. Until we quit our day jobs for the easy money and glamour of blogging our speech is 100% filthy lucre-free.

Campaigning, on the other hand, costs millions. TV, billboards, radio, annoying junkmail, face to face with politicians, chicken in a function room with the party faithful– that kind of speech takes bucks.

We’re bombarded with paid messages, and more and more often the messenger is a shadowy collection of advocacy groups with bland names like the Citizens for America or Club for Growth. It’s impossible to evaluate the message without knowing the real source and who it serves. An earnest TV voice tells you to ‘ask your congressman’. But who’s paying for the airtime?

Back in the Bush years some good Christians in Evangelical churches were recruited by lobbyist/evangelical leader Ralph Reed to oppose the expansion of Indian casinos. They forgot to listen to what Ralph Reed wasn’t saying. They just assumed he was lobbying against the immorality of gambling. They trusted one of their own.

Actually Reed was paid by lobbyist Jack Abramoff who was representing some Indian casinos that wanted to squelch competition. To unravel that mess of dishonesty you had to follow the money. The Christians got double-crossed, the Indians got triple-crossed, and Abramoff went to jail. Ralph Reed is still working the tent revival circuit, trying to resurrect his reputation.

The outsize influence of big money led to calls for reform and transparency. Disclosure laws are intended to give voters a clear ID on who is paying for political speech. Without knowing the source it’s impossible to judge the worth of the message.

Seems like a good and necessary thing, but at least one lobbying group thinks it’s just too much trouble, and they want a special exemption from the rules that everyone else has to follow. Attorney James Bopp figures prominently in pleas to remove what’s left of restraint on the use of money in politics.

Katherine Gregg of the Providence Journal reports…

PROVIDENCE — A group seeking to head off the legalization of same-sex marriage in Rhode Island has gone to court seeking the right to spend thousands of dollars on TV and radio ads for and against candidates for governor and the General Assembly, free from the state’s contribution limits and “extensive reporting requirements.”
The lawsuit was filed in U.S. District Court earlier this month by the National Organization for Marriage, a nonprofit group with a multimillion-dollar war chest.

Multi-million! That’s a nice hunk of money. They seem kind of shy about saying where it comes from. And they not only have money, but a superstar lawyer, James Bopp…

Bopp was the lawyer and veteran member of the Republican National Committee who first advised the conservative group Citizens United to use its “Hillary: The Movie” as a test of the limits on corporate political spending that ultimately resulted in the U.S. Supreme Court ruling last winter that corporations, unions and nonprofit groups have the right to spend as much as they want supporting or opposing the election of a candidate.
Explaining the lawsuit on the James Madison Center’s website on Monday, he said: “Rhode Island law limits the Freedom of Speech by creating line after line of rules that tie groups to the ground in the middle of a forest of laws.

Darn those disclosure laws! What business do we little voters have knowing who’s behind all this ‘defense of marriage’?

The response from Michael J. Healey, spokesman for the attorney general’s office: “Mr. Bopp has been called a ‘litigation machine’ and, now, we can certainly see why, but we’re not as certain as he apparently is about how Rhode Island law is harming his organization. We’ll go to court, defend the Board of Elections and the taxpayers, and let the chips fall where they may.”

Free speech? This is paid advertising and lobbyist heaven. What’s more, this unwanted defense of marriage is going to cost Rhode Island taxpayers–and it won’t be the first time. James Bopp, Jr. could be strolling around with 15,000 of Rhode Islander’s tax dollars in his pocket…

Bopp, a socially conservative Republican with a practice focused on issues such as gay marriage and abortion, was one of at least two nationally known lawyers to contact the governor’s office about writing the brief, according to, Michael Maynard, a governor’s spokesman.
After Bopp was chosen for the no-bid contract, he spent about two weeks writing the 27-page legal document. He will be paid with as much as $15,000 in taxpayer dollars, though he has yet to submit a bill, Maynard said.
The details of the arrangement were released yesterday shortly after Lynch filed an open records request with the governor’s office regarding Bopp’s work. Lynch asserted that the brief was filed to promote Carcieri’s personal views and should have been paid for with personal money.
“We all know what the governor’s position is on these issues,” Lynch said. “I don’t think it’s appropriate [for him] to use state tax money to advance his own personal opinion on this issue.”

Read the rest here. It’s outrageous. This is the same governor who tried to cancel health insurance for 28 moderate-income pregnant women who depended on RiteCare. They weren’t the kind of families the governor values.

As for the National Organization for Marriage– they haven’t done squat for my marriage. I kind of wish they would give 15 low-income families $1,000 each and see if it brought a little marital bliss. I’ll bet it would.

Instead, NOM will give Rhode Islanders more bills and a bunch of obnoxious commercials demanding we get all upset that a couple of women might want to be as legally married in Pawtucket as in Seekonk.

And they want to do it using money from the donors who dare not speak their name.