Charlie Sheen

Charlie Sheen. If you flew in from Mars this morning and grabbed the news, you’d think the greatest crisis facing America today is Charlie Sheen. He was on NPR as I drove to work. He’s in the New York Times. I’m writing this from a doctor’s office and Charlie Sheen is gazing earnestly from the cover of People magazine. A nation turns its lonely eyes to Charlie Sheen. What will he do next?

I have kind of a weird mental glitch around him.

Some time ago, I helped take care of a boy who had survived a catastrophic injury. The kid watched a lot of TV, and ‘Two and a Half Men’ made him laugh sometimes.

In my brain, Charlie Sheen is forever filed in the drawer labeled, ‘Injured Child’. It gives him an unearned aura of tragic importance.

As for the rest of you– what’s your excuse?

Call me cynical, but I doubt that the nation is really agonizing over another actor with behavior problems. I think it’s more about lazy reporting.

Actors are founts of information, they have publicists and their problems are simple to write about. Not like, for example, Pat Robertson. If you wrote about Robertson’s scandals you’d have to investigate an international network of shifting finances and suspect dealings with third world dictators and their agents. It’s a lot of work. Charlie Sheen has meltdowns on camera. Cut and paste.

I’m not above reading the Enquirer in the checkout line, but it’s kind of surreal to hear, ‘All Sheen–All the time’ on the regular news. Monty Python had it right– spam,spam and more spam.

But there are still some news sources with ethics. Read Kmareka and you’ll never read a word about Charlie Sheen.

Cattle Mutilations Back in Style?

Angry Cosmic Jellyfish

I remember this kind of thing from the 70’s…

Four calves have been found dead in a pasture just north of the New Mexico state line in recent weeks.

The dead calves had their skins peeled back and organs cleared from the rib cage. One calf had its tongue removed.

But rancher Manuel Sanchez has found no signs of human attackers, such as footprints or ATV tracks. And there are no signs of an animal attack by a coyote or mountain lion. Usually predators leave pools of blood or drag marks from carrying away the livestock.

Two officers from the Costilla County Sheriff’s Office have investigated the mutilations but say they don’t know what’s killing the calves.

I wonder if the Phantom Hitchhikers are back. I’m not a vegetarian, so I’m not going to get all PETA about this. I hope that no one tortured the animals. It’s a sure thing that something from this planet took them out. Any other planet an alien might have traveled from is very far away. So the unfortunate calves were probably done in by something mundane.

ALTERNATE EXPLANATION: They went out for a cup of coffee, and given the relativistic time-dilation effect their coffee break brought them back thirty years later, Earth time.