It’s kind of weird to be a product of the sixties and making a case for modesty and privacy, but when kids aren’t allowed to be kids someone has to stick up for them.

Froma Harrop’s editorial, ‘Freak Dancing is no Waltz’ ran in the Journal a few weeks ago, and now the New York Times has one called, ‘Middle School Girls Gone Wild’. It seems like there is a lot of social pressure for girls to dress precociously sexy and for kids to compete to see who can be the most outrageous on the dance floor.

It’s not necessary to get all moral here. This isn’t about children being spontaneously free, it’s about adult fantasies dominating the communal space to the point that there’s no room for kids to grow into their real selves. Their creative energy is sucked up by an endless stream of TV commercials telling them what toy they can’t live without. They get narrow and explicit definitions of who is ‘sexy’. Even the performers who seem to be the ideal are always getting plastic surgery because you can never have enough, or be good enough.

And on the other channel, we have the megachurch ministers telling us we’re all going to hell, (when they’re not being caught doing something they preached against and making tearful public apologies.) It’s no coincidence that Fox network is the one that pushed the limits of vulgar sex and right-wing politics. Vulgarity and repression are two sides of the same coin. I wouldn’t trust Concerned Women of America to babysit my kid any more than I’d trust Britney Spears.

I’m scared of the moral crusaders but I’m a fan of the Founding Fathers. The Declaration of Independence included two under-appreciated rights, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness. Recognizing that we have a right to liberty, we also have to respect others. A balance between these rights can create a space where the loudest and most powerful music won’t be the only kind we hear, where civility and the social contract have room to dance too. We can do it without an endless moral argument. We’re already successfully doing it with tobacco.

Now I will defend to your death your right to smoke. I will pay the taxes that pay for your oxygen tank without complaining, because I don’t want to bring back Prohibition. And I really like the people who smoke. They’re the fun ones. We’ve spent the last decades debating the smokers vs the breathers and it’s a pretty good balance now- tobacco’s legal but you can’t do it everywhere. There’s no spitting on the bus. No walking into a bakery smoking a cigar. You can’t blow smoke rings at your co-workers when they have to sit next to you for eight hours. You have to take your cig outside. This is consideration and civility in the public space.

I think you can apply the same principle to behavior at a school dance. You can’t control what people do at private parties but a school dance is a public space. There are kids from all backgrounds and many different religions. The dance is supposed to be for everyone. If you don’t set some rules of behavior the most exhibitionistic kids will grab all the attention. They’ll suck up all the oxygen in the room, like Bill O’ Reilly. There’s nothing wrong with setting limits on public display. A good party is one where everyone has a chance to have fun. Good party planning has something for the uncoupled and the shy, as well as the popular.

No one has to re-invent the wheel, there are people known as ‘event planners’. Maybe the schools can get some advice on how to have a dance that is inclusive and safe and fun. We don’t need the Morality Police, we need a stronger force. This is a job for an expert. Miss Manners, we’re calling you.