DAVID: Our readers haven’t heard much from you lately. What have you been up to?

MYSELF: Well, contrary to rumors, I have neither joined a monastery nor involuntarily taken up residence at Guantánamo. I’m just waiting out the winter here in Western Massachusetts, working four days a week as a Juvenile Court clinician. In my spare time, I rail against injustice.

DAVID: And how precisely do you do that?

MYSELF: By rail. I take the train down to Washington, DC, where I march on the White House or the Capitol or the National Zoo.

DAVID: Are you serious?

MYSELF: Not in the slightest. But I’ve found that people are rarely impressed when I tell them that I rail against injustice by signing electronic petitions in my pajamas.

DAVID: I see. Well, as long as you’ve brought up attire, let me ask you. Boxers or briefs?

MYSELF: Neither. I go commando. I used to wear a thong, but I found it wasn’t all it was cracked up to be.

DAVID: Ew! I think I’m going to be sick.

MYSELF: Really? Then try one of these.

DAVID: What is it? A tic tac?

MYSELF: No, it’s Abilify. Technically, it’s an atypical anti-psychotic medication. But the drug rep assures me it’s good for almost anything.

DAVID: Hmm, maybe later. Let’s resume. Paper or plastic?

MYSELF: Are we still talking about underwear?

DAVID: No. Shopping.

MYSELF: Oh, that’s a relief. Because I’ve found that both paper and plastic make me chafe. Anyway, as with the undergarments, I prefer neither. As much as possible, I like to bring my own cloth bag to the market. And if I’ve absentmindedly forgotten to do so, which probably means I’ve gone off my meds, then I opt for paper.

DAVID: You’re quite the environmentalist. What are your views on global warming?

MYSELF: I’m against it.

DAVID: Would you care to elaborate?

MYSELF: If I must. At this point, I believe that there is sufficient scientific evidence to support the theory that the climate is changing and that the nasty habits of humankind are, in some measure, to blame. However, even conceding the possibility that Al Gore invented global warming after everyone caught on that he hadn’t actually invented the Internet, I still believe that we ought to reduce emissions of greenhouse gases and reduce our overall impact on the environment. It’s better to take cautionary measures and be proven wrong than to delay action and find ourselves looking for beachfront property in the Ozarks.

DAVID: Speaking of Arkansas, Clinton or Obama?

MYSELF: Gee, MoveOn.org just polled me on the same question. And I was among the 70 percent that opted for Barack Obama. While I welcome the day when a woman is in the Oval Office and engaged in something more constructive than pleasuring the Commander-in-Chief, I find it difficult to support Hillary Clinton. I distrust anyone who so routinely puts politics ahead of principles. I find her to be polarizing and more than a little calculating. Whatever edge she might hold over Obama on experience is outweighed by his remarkable ability to rally and inspire broad segments of the voting public. Like Caroline Kennedy, “I want a president who understands that his responsibility is to articulate a vision and encourage others to achieve it; who holds himself, and those around him, to the highest ethical standards; who appeals to the hopes of those who still believe in the American Dream, and those around the world who still believe in the American ideal; and who can lift our spirits, and make us believe again that our country needs every one of us to get involved.�

DAVID: So, come November, if it’s Clinton versus McCain, who will you vote for?

MYSELF: If those are my choices, I’ll probably just write in Jon Stewart.

DAVID: Okay, changing the subject slightly, if you were stranded on a desert island, what one book would you want to have with you?

MYSELF: Hmm, I’m tempted to say Robinson Crusoe, just for the sheer irony. However, I guess I’d have to choose Mary Oliver’s New and Selected Poems: Volume One.

DAVID: And what one music CD would you want to have with you?

MYSELF: CD? Does this desert island have electrical outlets and stereo equipment?

DAVID: Hey, I’m asking the questions here! But you raise a good point. So let me go about this from a different angle. What music have you been listening to lately?

MYSELF: Actually, for the last month or so, I’ve really gotten into listening to classic jazz, artists like John Coltrane, Miles Davis, Stan Getz, Oscar Peterson, and Bill Evans.

DAVID: Didn’t Oscar Peterson just recently pass away?

MYSELF: Yes, on December 23rd of this past year. Peterson was a jazz piano virtuoso. He will be missed.

DAVID: Are you crying?

MYSELF: No! I’m just a little verklempt. Go talk amongst yourselves. This interview is over.