Feeding Tube Diet

The Difficult Route to the StomachWhy didn’t I think of this? I’m good at putting tubes into people and there’s big money in it…

Really… a feeding-tube diet?
Yes. Patients following the K-E (ketogenic enteral nutrition) diet wear a feeding tube in their nose for 10 days. The tube delivers 800 calories a day and promises the loss of 10 percent of the patient’s body weight or up to 20 pounds. While it’s new in the U.S., the technique has been used for years in Europe. And it’s effective, Dr. Oliver Di Pietro tells ABC News. “Within a few hours your hunger and appetite go away completely, so patients are actually not hungry at all for the whole 10 days.”

This made me flash back to a Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode where Gypsy is talking to one of the brain guys–who are so advanced they carry their brains on trays. “Wouldn’t it be easier to keep your brains, like, inside your heads?”

Wouldn’t it be easier to put the ketogenic super shake, like, in your mouth and swallow it? Does having a tube shoved up your nose really kill your appetite? Maybe it has that effect on the people who have to look at you.

There’s no mystery in the science here. If you cut down to 800 calories a day you will lose weight. A tube in your nose will give you something to think about besides food, and the program is so expensive and wedding date so unforgiving that motivation takes care of itself.

The above illustration is not an accurate representation of the pre-wedding diet. It shows a male. There’s no way a guy is going to spend his last few weeks of bachelorhood starving with a tube up his nose.

I’m opening a weight loss center. I’ll stick a small cork in one of your nostrils and give you a thermos of unflavored feeding tube formula– it tastes terrible. For tough cases, I’ll hit you over the head with a whiffle bat. If you stick with my program you are guaranteed to lose weight. I take personal checks, cash and change you find under the couch.

And think about the poor folks who have a nasogastric tube because there’s something really wrong with their stomach. Lots of them are tiny babies. Why aren’t the grown women just enjoying their wedding and counting their blessings? There’s worse things than being buxom.

Women, and men too, need to recognize that there is profit in body shame and cures for imaginary diseases. When you feel really good about yourself, someone, somewhere is feeling cheated. Maybe they can convince you that you have uneven toes and sell you a surgical cure. Beats doctoring whiny sick people who don’t have any money left.

I know enough people who have to live with tubes in their bodies from necessity, not for fun. Some of my best moments in nursing involved removing tubes from people who got better.

Me and Mr. Green probably owe our friends a party, but I never regret that we eloped.

3 thoughts on “Feeding Tube Diet

  1. In 2007 I was faced with thepossibility that I’d need an abdominal feeding tube-I tried to see the bright side-I could buy REALLY cheap whiskey and get loaded because who would care what it tasted like?As t turned out,I didn’t need it.
    My father in law has been on one in home hospice since last May at the insistence of my brother in law-he has Alzheimer’s and can’t complain but he has a living will and I think it’s been concealed from the providers-my wife is very upset as you could imagine-she wanted her father to go as he wished-pain free and with dignity.I had to make living will decisions for both my parents and it’s not easy,but it is necessary if you really care about someone.

    1. I’m sorry about your father in law. That kind of thing in nursing homes set me against feeding tubes in those cases. I met a woman at a party who had one because her esophagus was constricted. She discretely chewed some food and spit it out. Rough way to live, but that’s what she had to do. In the best cases, the tubes are temporary.

      1. He can’t eat,drink,communicate effectively-he’s semi comatose-his “life”is horrible,but his son is kind of off his rocker.
        In my case,it was that i was aspirating as a result of a major hemmorhage from cancer surgery-I already had some blood in my lungs-I got over it somehow(lucky?)-a completely screwed up situation and not the fault of any provider-I just had a”‘no good choice”situation where I ahd to go bakc on Plavix/aspirin right after the surgery and a week later I was watching TV and started bleeding out-three pints in about 40 minutes.I’m surprised I didn’t go into shock-I got myself to the ER because my wife wasn’t home.

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