Dr. Laura Gallagher, from the distinguished Think Tank and Anti-Advocacy group, GLUM(MUN) (Gays and Lesbians Undermine Marriage and Make Us Nervous) takes questions from real readers who bare their hearts and air their dirty laundry so we can be entertained and enlightened. And get blog hits.

Thank you, Dr. Gallagher, for guest blogging here. Readers ask us…

Q. Dear Dr. Gallagher, 

My husband and I have been happily married for 55 years, and we weren’t no spring chickens when we tied the knot, if you get what I mean. We agreed early on to let bygones be bygones, and did not worry about what happened before that special night in Vegas that ended in the Chapel. We have enjoyed many decades together in loving harmony.

For the past year, Frank has not seemed himself. He gets up and puts on his pants, and then puts on another pair of pants over the pants. I don’t dare to say anything because he’s gotten very touchy. He makes sandwiches and puts them under the bed, and gets furious if I sweep them up.

I was taught to cater to my man, and at my age I’m too tired to care anyway, but there’s another problem. He thinks I’m cheating on him. I have not been near another man since President Eisenhower was running the country, but he’s insanely jealous. Why could he not have been this hot, like, around the 1970’s? What am I doing wrong?

Signed: Edna

A. Dear Edna,

It’s the Gay’s fault. Your husband has been corrupted by the Gay Agenda via the Mainstream Media, and he thinks that he can lure men into his bedroom by putting sandwiches under his bed. We see this many times in our clinical practice. His suspicion that you are cheating is projection. He is secretly attracted to a man.

Are there any gays in your neighborhood? Town? State? Well, there you are.

Send a check today to GLUM. We care about your marriage, and we know best.

Dear Dr. Gallagher,

My wife and I believe in traditional family values. She would stay home with the children, and I would support us working for General Motors. We were so happy until the Hummer IV (Bigger than a Breadbox) project went to Sichuan Tengzhong Heavy Industrial Machinery Company, somewhere out of state. They got the goldmine, and our town got the shaft.
Tiffany and I were willing to do whatever we had to do to support our family. We finally ended up applying to WalMart. She got hired as a greeter, they said I was overqualified.

Tiffany is a spunky girl, and she would do anything for me and our kids.  The problem is, I am taking care of the kids. This is way harder than I ever imagined. Tiffany has changed. She seems to like being out of the house and says she is fine with the way things are for a while. I want out.

Signed: Trapped and Unfulfilled

Dear Trapped,

It’s the Gay’s fault. In the past, Tiffany would have strapped on her best bonnet and gone to petition the factory owner, trembling but resolute. He would have smiled sardonically, cupped her chin in his hand and casually granted you employment, as a coal hauler, or whatever. (B.Cartland, 1967)
Your family would get no benefits. Whether the factory owner would get lucky is a whole novel.(Harlequin)

So would you rather have a couple of the kids die of consumption (do you have enough spares?) and live a life of high drama, or wipe up Cheerios while taking courses online for a cubicle job with benefits?

There was a Golden Age. Really. Before there were Gays. If it were not for them, your life would be Gothic.

Send a check today to GLUM. We care about your marriage, and we know best.

Dear Dr. Gallagher,

I heard GLUM experts testify that the real meaning and purpose of marriage is procreation. I have a confession to make. I found myself single again through widowhood, and fell in love with Ted. We married, though we are of mature years.

What is the meaning of marriage, when procreation ain’t gonna happen?
Signed, Still Ticking

Dear Still Ticking,

Like I don’t recognize that as a throwaway phrase from a David Bowie song that I listened to for research purposes? You are a troll, asking me trick questions. I could tell by your lapsing into slang, because you just can’t help it.

Well, forget about it, Jane Doe, if that is your real name. Studies show that your odds of finding a man when you are in the geezer demographic is way on the edge of unlikely. That makes you a deviant.

That means you are the type that would notice two gay guys moving in next door and shrug, instead of getting out torches and pitchforks.

As far as your question, there are so few of you deviants that you don’t comprise a base worth playing up to. But I could be wrong. Maybe I should tolerate you and hold out the promise that if you’re really good and humble, we might acknowledge your existence.

Send a check today to GLUM. We care about your marriage, and we know best.